In recent decades, a troubling trend has emerged in the lives of men: the decline of close friendships. Back in 1990, a solid 55% of men reported having six or more good friends. Fast forward to today, and that number has plummeted to around 27%. Even more concerning is the rise in the number of men who say they have zero close friends, increasing from just 3% in 1990 to a staggering 15% today.
Various factors have contributed to this decline—social media, our increasingly busy lives, and the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, to name a few. However, today’s focus isn’t on dissecting these causes. Instead, I want to guide you in reflecting on your current friendships (or lack thereof) and explore how you can be more intentional in developing and nurturing close bonds.
Human beings are wired for connection. Our desire to form deep, authentic relationships drives much of what we do. While these connections can come from various sources—friends, significant others, or family—I firmly believe that having a circle of close male friends is vital to your overall happiness. These are the men you can truly do life with, the ones who walk with you through the highs and lows.
So let me ask you this: how intentional have you been in cultivating close friendships recently? Have you been proactive, or have you left it up to chance? These are essential questions to regularly ask yourself. Just like anything worthwhile in life, building strong friendships requires effort and intentionality. When we allow this area of our lives to be out of sight and out of mind, the results are rarely good.
The first step in building meaningful friendships is to define what a good friendship looks like for you. Have you ever taken the time to sit down and reflect on what’s important to you in your friendships?
Too often, we leave friendships to chance, assuming they’ll naturally happen without much effort. We might choose friends based on common interests or proximity, but rarely do we put thought into what would make a friendship truly meaningful or who is worth having in our lives.
So, what factors make a friendship meaningful to you? When I was first asked this question by a coach, I realized I had never really thought about it. I had formed friendships based on fun and common interests, but I hadn’t considered deeper qualities like trust, support, and encouragement.
Take some time to think about what matters to you in a friendship. It might include qualities like trust, someone who challenges you to be a better man, or someone who encourages you in your faith. Whatever it is, defining these qualities is crucial for gaining clarity on the kinds of friendships you want to cultivate.
Once you’ve defined what’s meaningful to you, the next step is to evaluate whether you’re getting those things from your current friendships. If the answer is yes, that’s fantastic—you’re among a small percentage of men. If not, don’t worry; this is a common experience. The important thing is to think about how you can develop these qualities in your life.
Before you consider cutting people out of your life, though, it’s essential to ask yourself if you are embodying the qualities you desire in your friendships. Are you the kind of friend who encourages, supports, and challenges others? Do you show up when your friends need you most? If not, that’s where you need to start.
You can’t expect others to do for you what you’re not willing to do for them. Before you look outward, take a hard look inward. As you become a more intentional friend, the right people will naturally reciprocate.
One of the most effective ways to cultivate deeper friendships is to take ownership as the initiator. Many of your friends likely want to spend time together, but no one is stepping up to make it happen. If you’re seeking better friendships, be the one who reaches out and organizes hangouts.
I’ve heard from many men who feel lonely and frustrated, yet when I ask when they last initiated a hangout with their friends, they often can’t remember. Don’t be frustrated with others if you’re not willing to put in the effort yourself. Take the lead, reach out, and invest the time to build meaningful connections.
The final step is to take a friendship inventory. Write down a list of all your friends, both old and new. This exercise isn’t about ranking them but about gaining perspective on the people in your life. Then, determine whether each friend falls into the category of a casual friend or a growth friend.
Casual friends are those you enjoy spending time with but don’t necessarily want to invest heavily in. These might be people you golf with or grab a beer with occasionally. Growth friends, on the other hand, are those you want to invest in deeply. These are the friends who encourage you, challenge you, and inspire you to be a better man.
When determining your growth friends, refer back to the list of meaningful qualities you defined earlier. Do these friends fit the criteria, or do you believe they can grow into that role?
Growth friendships require intentionality. These are the friends you should see in person at least once a month, even if it’s via Zoom or FaceTime for long-distance connections. You should have regular touchpoints every week or two—a text, a call, something to keep the connection alive. Shared experiences, like golfing, hiking, or working out together, are vital for these relationships.
As you invest in these friendships, you’ll find that the effort is reciprocated. The more intentional you are, the stronger your bonds will become. And if, after a consistent period of effort, a friend isn’t reciprocating, it might be time to reflect on whether that friendship is one you want to continue.
We’re better as men when we do life together. When we lack close friendships, we risk coasting through life on cruise control. But when we invest time and effort into building strong, intentional relationships, the dividends are enormous.
Start by defining what’s meaningful to you in a friendship, ensuring you’re living out those qualities yourself, taking the initiative to organize time with friends, and evaluating your current relationships to determine who you want to invest in deeply. By being intentional in these areas, you’ll cultivate friendships that not only enrich your life but also inspire you to be the best man you can be.
A major issue that we are seeing today in the lives of men is the decline of close friendships. Since 1990, the amount of men who say they have 6 or more good friends has declined from 55% of men, to now being right around 27%.
The amount of men who say they have zero close friends have increased from 3% in 1990, to about 15% of men today.
There a bunch of different factors that have contributed to this, such as social media, busyness, or the COVID pandemic, but I am not going to dive into all of that today.
For this training, I want to help you think about the friendships you have (or don’t have) and talk about how you can be more intentional in developing and cultivating close friendships.
Our desire to connect with people on a real, authentic, and deep level is what drives a lot of what we do. And that can come in a variety of different ways, with friends, with a significant other, or with family, but I absolutely believe it is vital to your happiness in life that you have some other close guy friends that you can do life with.
Let me ask you a question, how intentional have you been recently in developing and also cultivating close friendships in your life?
Have you been proactive in this area? Or have you been reactive? Have you left it up to chance? Or have made this area in your life a priority and proactively taken the steps to make sure you have some deep friendships in your life?
These are good questions to frequently ask yourself. Whether you have a lot of friends or not, like anything in life, it takes some effort and some intentionality to make sure this area of your life is thriving.
When things are out of sight, when they are out of mind, when they are left to chance, you usually don’t get good results. Anything in life that is worth having takes some time and effort. And I believe that this area is worth putting in the time in the effort.
So I want to give you a few quick tips to making sure you are making the most out of your friendships
First, you must actually define what a good friendship means to you and what it actually looks like.
Have you ever actually taken the time in your life to sit down and think about what’s important to you in your friendships?
The problem with friendships sometimes is we completely leave them up to chance. We assume they will automatically happen. We assume they should just naturally happen without any sort of work or intentionality. And we don’t put a lot of thought into what would actually make a good friendship or who is a person that is actually worth having in your life.
So I want to ask you today - what kind of factors would make a meaningful friendship?
I know I had never really asked my question until a coach asked me. All of my friendships were pretty much formed because we had common interests, we were in close proximity. They usually lasted if they were fun, but that was mainly the criteria.
Of course someone that you have fun with and enjoy being around should be in the criteria, but what else makes a good friendship for you?
When I was asked that question, I gave a lot of answers like someone who I know I can trust, someone who is there for me when I need them, someone who encourages me, supports me, challenges me, brings out the best in me. Someone who pushes me to a be a better man and to love the Lord more.
But then he asked if that was the criteria I used to choose my current friends, and the answer was no. That doesn’t mean some of my friends don’t do those things, but I had never actually thought of friendships this way.
So what is important to you in a friendship? I would encourage you to take some time to actually define that in your life. It’s something that is easy to never think about but it extremely important to define so you can have clarity on the kinds of friendships you want to develop.
After you have defined what is meaningful to you in a friendship, you then need to ask yourself if you are getting that from your current friendships.
If the answer is yes, amazing, you are a small percent of the population. If the answer is no, that’s ok, it’s a pretty normal response. You then need to think about how you can develop that in your life.
Now I’ve heard some personal growth experts say that you should immediately cut those people out of your life if they are not getting you those things, but I don’t believe that is the best place to start. Before cutting anyone out of your life, you must ask yourself first, am I the type of friend that is giving those things to others?
It is so easy to blame other people without first looking inward. I had to take an honest look at the list that I made and ask myself if I was doing all those things for my friends. Am I someone that encourages, supports, and challenges my friends to be a better man and pursue the Lord more? Am I someone who would show up when they need it most? Am I consistently checking in with them to see how they are doing.
If the answer to those questions is no, then you must first become that friend before you expect your friends to do that for you.
This is huge. You cannot expect people to do for you what you are not doing for them. You cannot quickly rid yourself of relationships if you are first not putting in any effort and intentionality.
So after you have your list of what is meaningful in a friendship, immediately flip the criteria to yourself and ask yourself if you are doing each of those things. If not, that is the best place to start.
I guarantee as you start to be a more intentional friend, that the friends that are worth keeping will reciprocate that back to you.
And if you put forth that kind of effort and intentionality first over a consistent time period, and they are not reciprocating, then that is the point to reflect on the relationship and if it is one you want to continue with.
Here is another tip to develop great friendships that goes right in line with what I just discussed, you take the ownership of being the initiator.
Most of your friends probably want to hang out, just neither of you are being the leader and making it happen. Neither of you are putting in the effort to organize something. If you are looking for better friendships, take the ownership of being someone who reaches out to your friends to hang out.
I’ve heard from so many guys that are frustrated and feeling lonely, but when I ask them when the last time they organized a hang out for their friends, they can’t think of an answer.
Again, we should not be frustrated with others if we are not willing to do the same work ourselves. Be the initiator. Put in a little effort. Friendships do take some work, but it is worth the effort.
After you have Defined what’s meaningful, evaluated yourself to make sure you are being intentional in your friendships and worked on becoming more of an initiator, the last thing would be to actually take a friendship inventory
So write down a list of all your friends…I would encourage you to write down old and new because a lot of times you’ll think of someone from High School that you would like to get back in touch with. Think through high school, college, different jobs you’ve had, your church…and write down the names of friends.
This isn’t to rank them with some weird criteria…don’t be that friend haha but this is for you to see all of the people in your life. Then determine if they are going to be more of a casual friend or your true, growth friend.
So by casual friend I mean someone that you would like to stay in touch with every now and then but it is not incredibly important to you to work super hard at growing the friendship. These could be people you like to golf with, or hike with, or just go grab a beer with now and then, but not people that you see becoming your close, lifelong friends.
Then determine who in your life you want to really invest in the friendship with. Who is going to be your growth friend. When you are determining this, look at the list of what you defined as meaningful and see if these friends either currently fit the criteria, or you believe can grow into that criteria.
It’s ok if they aren’t perfect now…especially if you haven’t been living out all of those characteristics yourself.
Determine who those guys are and then commit to growing the friendship.
A growth friendship is where you can both encourage one another to chase after your dreams. It’s where you make space to talk about life and go deeper than just sports, work, and girls. It’s someone who encourage you. You feel inspired when you leave. You both challenge one another to be better men. You talk about what God is doing in your life.
This is a real friendship where you know this person has your back and you have yours. As men, it can be difficult to talk about the deeper things, so you must be intentional with each other to go there more often than you do with other more casual friends
Growth friends are people that I believe you should see in person at least once a month. If they are long distance then you can do zoom or Facetime, but you should be seeing this guy in person on a regular basis.
I also believe that you should have some sort of touch point every week or two. Send them a text, give them a call, whatever it is.
And then I also think these are the guys that you do adventures with. Set up times to play golf together, to go hunting, fishing, hiking. Maybe you work out together.
These joint experiences are super important to the friendship.
You should also have a ton of fun when you hang out with these friends. They should be people you look forward to being with. They should be people who charge your battery instead of drain it.
A lot of times, you already have these friends but you just need to be more intentional with them to get to this level. And if you’re listening to this, I would encourage you to be the initiator.
You don’t have to be weird, but tell them that you would love to invest in their life more and actually do life together.
Tell them you’re looking to really grow as a man and pursue big dreams and you would love their support. Ask them what their dreams are. Ask them what their goals are and how you can help them reach them.
It’s crazy what happens to a friendship when you actually just ask real life questions instead of just keeping it surface level. I’m not asking you to have them fill out an assessment or interrogate them…I’m just asking you, “How can you bring more intentionality to the friendship to make sure you are both supporting each other the best you can?”
As you invest in the friendship, they typically will invest. As you call yourself higher in being a better friend, you will call them higher. As you are a role model and pursue your dreams and pursue your full potential, you will inspire them to do the same.
We are better as men when we do life together. We are better when we are not alone. We we don’t have other friends and teammates to do life with, that is usually when we start to coast…when we start to go through motions and do life on cruise control.
Putting in a little time and effort to be more intentional with your friendships will pay huge dividends.
So start by defining what’s actually meaningful to you in a friendship, then make sure you are doing those things for your friends, become more of the initiator to set up hang outs, and then evaluate your current friends and determine the guys that you really want to pour into and start being more intentional in that relationship.
I hope today’s training was valuable to you. This would be a great one to send to one of your friends to start the conversation. I would encourage you to share this with some of your close friends and then discuss together how you can be there for each other more and push each other to be better men.
Thanks for joining. Go live a life you are proud of by living intentionally.
