Saying no isn’t easy, especially if you’re a people-pleaser or love being involved. But when you fully understand the impact of overcommitting, it becomes clear that saying no to good things is sometimes the only way to say yes to great things.

This year, challenge yourself to be more intentional with your yeses. Protect your time, prioritize your dreams, and invest in the people who matter most.

Because a focused life is a meaningful life—and a meaningful life is always worth pursuing.

What’s one thing you need to say no to this week? 

I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day and we were both talking about how last year we got overwhelmed by saying yes to too many things. We both felt like we had overcommitted ourselves and that it took away time from some of the things that were the most important to us.

Can you relate? Have you ever experienced this? Maybe you’re experiencing it right now. 

It can be really easy to become overly committed that you don’t end up with enough time for the things that are the most important in your life.

One of the things that I struggle with the most is saying “no” to things that are good things…but not great things. 

One of the biggest enemies of great…is diluting your focus on good things. 

There are so many good causes out there you could be part of. There are great ministries. Great business opportunities. A lot of great people you could meet with. There are a lot of fun things to do…time with friends, time with family, different events and experiences.

When something is good…it makes it really difficult to say no. But what I realized a lot over the course of last year…is that when you say yes to too many good things…you don’t have time to say yes to the great things…or ultimately to your biggest dreams or goals.

Oftentimes, you have to learn to say no to good things in order to make room for the great things.

You have to realize that for every “Yes” that you give, you are also saying no to something else. It is always a trade off. Fully understanding this and keeping it top of mind can help you make better decisions.

For example, every time you say yes to taking on that meeting you don’t really want to do, you are saying no to getting key tasks or projects done at work that will move your career forward.

Every time you say yes to staying in bed in the morning and getting extra sleep, you are saying no to getting to the gym and getting in better shape

Every time you say yes to a client or friend's dinner invitation, you are saying no to time with your wife. 

Every time you say yes to looking at social media, you are saying no to being productive or you are saying no to being present with the people you are with.

Most of us who tend to be people pleasers or who really love being around people, have a hard time saying no. But even if we hate saying no, we must understand that every yes inherently contains a no.

Once you fully grasp the nature of trade-offs, you’ll find it easier to say no when you need to. Next time you are asked to do something or you’re tempted to do something distracting, you have to think about the trade-off you are making. 

Most of us don’t do that, we say yes too quickly without really thinking through what we are saying no to.

In his book Free to Focus, Michael Hyatt gives two questions that he asks himself every time he is confronted with an opportunity. These have really been helpful for me to ask myself when I’m faced with an opportunity or decision.

The first question is, What will I have to give up in order to say yes to this opportunity? What will I have to give up in order to say yes to this opportunity?

It’s a great question because it brings into mind the law of trade-offs that I just mentioned. It’s extremely easy to just say yes without thinking about the consequences. That potential meeting opportunity seems harmless, but when you ask yourself this question, you might realize that is going to steal time away from the people that you truly love and want to invest in.

When you realize that is what the meeting will truly cost you, it will become easier to say no.

The next question that Michael Hyatt asks himself is, “Will saying no to this allow me to say yes to something better?

Another great question…this hits home with the idea of giving up the good to make room for the great. 

When you realize that there is actually a much better way of spending your time, it will make it easier for you to say no. 

Using these two questions as a filter can really help you determine what opportunities to take, especially is you’re someone who struggles to say no.

I have historically been one of those people. When I look back on this year, I honestly can see so many ways where my lack of ability to say no has actually cost me progressing on some of my biggest dreams or cost me spending time with the people I love and doing the things I love. It’s also cost me a lot of rest and recovery…which leads to becoming more distracted and less focused. 

Your yeses are ultimately no’s to something else, so it's very important we learn how to say no to things that aren’t in line with our greatest priorities and our long-term vision.

In The Power of Positive No, Harvard Professor William Ury gives a strategy for saying no that I thought was very useful. He first outlines three different responses that you often give when you don’t want to do something. These are three unhealthy responses but very easy to do. 

As I grow through them, see if you can relate to any of these responses.

The first is ACCOMMODATION

You say yes when you really want to say no. This usually happens when you don’t want to cause conflict or you don’t want to let someone down, so you say yes to something you know you don’t really want to do. 

The sad part is though, that oftentimes you say yes because you don’t want to let someone down, but then you can end up letting the people who mean the most to you down because you are taking away time from them. 

This could be your wife and kids, or even if you’re not married, this could be your closest friends. Even time spent with people who aren’t going to be lifelong friends can cause you to lose opportunities to spend time with the people you are truly doing life with

Accommodation is the most common response for people who tend to be people pleasers. You don’t want to let someone down so you just say yes even though you don’t really want to.

Have there been any situations in your life recently where this has been the case? It happens to me all the time if I am not intentional. Once you know that this is a typical response of yours, you can start to identify it more clearly.

The second response is ATTACK

This is where you say no poorly. This is where you value your own interests way more than the others and so you react with annoyance, resentment, or anger. You do say no, but you might burn the relationship in the process and you have no regard for the other person’s feelings in the situation. 

Even though you said no when you wanted to, this is not a great response because it is not sensitive to others. You saying no with annoyance or anger could completely burn the relationship for the future. 

The third typically response when presented with someone you want to say no to is AVOIDANCE.

This is where you say nothing at all. You don’t return the call, you don’t email back, you act like you didn’t see the text. You ignore the request or wait a super long time to respond hoping that things will resolve themselves. 

You don’t want to hurt the person by saying no, but oftentimes, you end up hurting them worse by not responding or taking so long to respond. 

Which one of those three responses do you typically fall into when you don’t want to do something? Is it accommodation - you just say yes even if you don’t want to

Is it attack? You respond with annoyance or anger and are not sensitive to the other person’s feelings?

Is it avoidance - you just don’t answer at all and hope the problem will go away

Sometimes you can even do all three of these things at once. You avoid the initial request, so they send a follow up, then you are irritated with the follow up so you respond poorly, then you feel bad about responding poorly so you end up agreeing to do what they asked you to do. You went through a vicious cycle of three bad responses and ended up doing what you didn’t want to do in the first place.

Understanding that these three responses are not beneficial can be helpful next time you are faced with a request that you know you need to say no to. I’ve seen how I’ve done all three of these things many times in the past, but now that I am more aware of these responses, I am better equipped to avoid them.

Professor William Ury gives us a fourth option for responding to opportunities that can help you better say no but not to burn any relationships in the process.

This is called Affirmation - It follows a Yes-No-Yes format

First, you say yes to yourself and what’s important to you. You know that by saying no you are saying yes to something else of higher importance. Take time to realize that by saying yes to this opportunity, you are saying no to something else that matters much more. Take time to identify the trade off and be ok with saying yes to yourself 

Then, it’s also good to start your response by affirming the person instead of just jumping straight into the no. 

Say something like, thank you so much for reaching out. I can see that you are really passionate about this project and I am excited for you. 

Or Thanks for reaching out. Congratulations on taking on your new position.

Say some sort of statement that affirms them first before you jump into the now

After saying yes to yourself and affirming them, it is important that you clearly say no to the request. Don’t leave any wiggle room or the possibility of doing it another time if you have no intentions of doing it another time.

Sometimes we say things like “maybe another time” or “I’ll see if I can make it work.” when we have zero intentions of actually saying yes in the future. If you don’t plan on saying yes, then you need to say that clearly. 

It can seem like leaving the door slightly open doesn’t hurt the other person as much…but it is almost always worse as it keeps their hopes up and then there is no follow through.

Make sure you say no clearly so there is no misinterpretation.

Then you affirm the relationship again and possibly offer a solution to the request.

If you can’t meet with them, maybe you send them a link to one of your helpful blog posts. Or you refer them to someone else. If they are requesting a one hour meeting you could say you would be happy to do a 5-minute phone call instead. 

If there isn’t any other solution or help you can provide, just thank them again for thinking of you and wish them best of luck.

That is the Yes-No-Yes Response and protects your time and priorities while also taking other’s feelings into consideration. 

Say yes to yourself and your priorities and thank them for reaching out

Then clearly say no and don’t leave room for misinterpretation

Then end with another possible solution or another affirmation. 

Being more intentional about saying no to things in your life and having a good strategy for how you will say no is something that can set you up to invest in the things that you truly want to invest in. It can protect the time that you want to spend with the people who are most important to you and it will allow you to create time to pursue your dreams. 

Remember, each time you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.

Always ask yourself what you are trading when you say yes.

Sometimes you will have to say no to some good opportunities in order to make more room for the great opportunities.

Let this be a year where you say yes to what truly matters to you. Let this be a year where you are running after everything that God has for you with focus and intensity. 

The enemy will try to distract you with a million different opportunities because he knows a focused man is a dangerous man.

Get clear on what’s important to you and run after it with all you got! 

Thanks for joining me today. I hope today was helpful and encouraging. If you found it impactful, please share it with anyone that you think could also benefit from this training. 

Go live a life you are proud of by living intentionally!