At a recent men’s retreat in the Colorado mountains, we had a conversation that hit hard. A guest speaker walked us through the questions men ask themselves in each decade of life.
In your 20s, you’re figuring out who you are.
In your 30s, you’re trying to juggle career, family, and responsibilities.
In your 40s, you start questioning your legacy.
And so on…
But one insight stood out to every man in the room: male loneliness starts creeping in during the 30s.
As we talked, men in their 50s and 60s reflected on how they had unintentionally let their closest friendships fade. They were great men—leaders, husbands, fathers. They had built successful careers, served their communities, and raised families.
But somewhere along the way, friendships took a backseat to everything else. And now, looking back, they realized they didn’t have close friends to share life with.
This hit me hard because I see how easy it is to fall into this trap.
When we’re young, friendships happen naturally—through school, sports, college, and church groups. But as we get older, those built-in opportunities disappear. If we’re not intentional, friendships slowly drift away.
Dr. Robert Waldinger and Dr. Marc Schulz coined the term “social fitness”—the idea that relationships, just like physical health, require consistent effort.
Think about it. If you stop going to the gym, your muscles weaken. You might gain weight, feel sluggish, and even develop health issues.
Friendships work the same way. If you don’t invest in them, they atrophy. And by the time you realize it, years have passed, and your closest relationships have faded.
So what can we do? We must shift from accidental friendships to intentional friendships. Here’s how:
Be the Initiator – Stop waiting for others to reach out. Pick up the phone, send a text, or plan a hangout.
Prioritize Time Together – Schedule friendships like you schedule work meetings or family time. Relationships won’t grow if they’re always last on your list.
Go Deeper – Surface-level friendships won’t sustain you. Ask real questions. Be vulnerable. Share what’s really going on in your life.
Reconnect with Old Friends – If someone comes to mind, reach out today. A simple check-in can rekindle a meaningful friendship.
Say Yes to Community – Join a men’s group, serve at church, or find a hobby that connects you with other like-minded men.
Take action today. Call or message one friend. Check in, ask how they’re doing, and let them know you’re thinking about them.
Do this every day for a week. You’ll be amazed at how a little intentionality can breathe life back into your friendships.
If this resonates with you, I dive deeper into this topic on my latest podcast episode. Listen here: [Insert Podcast Link]
Friendships don’t happen by accident. Let’s build relationships that will last a lifetime.
I recently led a men’s retreat in the mountains of Colorado and we had a couple of guest speakers join us for the weekend.
The first night, the guest speaker talked about all of the questions that come up in the different decades of life for men.
In each decade of your life, there are different questions that you are typically asking yourself.
For example, in your 20’s, you might find yourself asking questions like:
In your 30’s, which is where I find myself at this time, he talked about some new questions that start to arise. Things like…
You might be faced with some thoughts about how you feel like you should be further along in life by now. Maybe there are things you are still struggling with that you thought you would have overcome by now.
Then he said something really interesting about people in their 30’s. He said this is typically the decade where male loneliness starts to creep in.
It’s the 30’s where a lot of guys start to experience some loss of close friendships or relationships just become less and less of a priority because of all of the other responsibilities of life.
Your 30’s are typically a time where you are really growing in your career. A lot of guys are married at this point and starting to have kids.
The responsibilities really start to stack and time seems to become a bigger issue.
What was really interesting was we went through all of the decades all the way up to 70’s and 80’s and then had some time for discussion when the speaker was finished.
There were guys from almost every single decade represented in my group…a guy in the 50’s, a guy in his 60’s and a guy in his 70’s.
That line about male loneliness stuck out to all of us.
I listened to these guys start to look back on their lives and realize that they had let friendships fall by the wayside to other responsibilities.
The guy in his 60’s said that was the first time he actually took the time to realize that he didn’t have one close friend that he consistently hung out with or shared his life with. He hadn’t even realized that some of his friendships from his youth were pretty much all gone.
The guy in his 50’s said almost the exact same thing.
They both realized that somewhere along the way in their 30’s and 40’s, they had stopped investing in friendships and were now at a point where they didn’t feel like they had close friends.
These are great guys. There are great husbands. They volunteer at church. They lead small groups and help out with the men’s minstry…they are both very successful in their careers.
But at some point, they put everything else before friendships and now they found themselves without any really close friends to do life with.
It really struck me in that moment how easy it is for this to happen to any of us as men if we aren’t intentional about it.
When we are growing up, there are opportunities for friendships everywhere. They are kind of built into our lives through school, sports teams, and youth groups. When we get to college, there are usually a lot of different opportunities to make friends…and way more time.
There were times in college where I would post up some of my best friends for days just hanging out.
In these times, you don’t usually have to think quite as much about friendships, they usually just naturally form and usually are sustained by enough opportunities to spend time with each other.
But then as you graduate college and start your career and possibly start a family, those opportunities don’t seem to just naturally happen as much.
Slowly, men seem to take on more and more responsibilities and have many different priorities in life that friendships become more difficult.
It’s at this point in life that you must shift from accidental friendships to intentional friendships. You have to actually start putting in some effort to make sure you keep building some close relationships.
There’s a phrase coined by Dr Robert Waldinger and Dr Marc Shulz where they call this “social fitness”.
What they mean is that your friendships start to atrophy if they are not worked out. It’s just like actual fitness. If you don’t work out your muscles, they are going to atrophy.
What happens when you don’t go to the gym? You start to lose muscle, you might put on some weight, and you might experience more health complications.
We know that we aren’t going to just magically be fit if we don’t invest time in the gym.
It’s the same with relationships. If you aren’t putting any intentional thought and effort into your friendships, you can’t expect them to grow. They are going to deteriorate slowly.
As you get older, good relationships don’t just happen…you must be intentional.
You must work on your social fitness just like anything else.
These men in my discussion group realized that they didn’t put enough effort into maintaining and building friendships and they all but disappeared.
It was not their intention to fall out of some of their relationships, but busyness got the best of them. It was not their intention to be in their 50’s and 60’s and not have any close friends, but it happened because there wasn’t any intentionality.
So my question to you is this, what are you doing to intentionally build friendships in your life?
If you are young and you have a lot of friends right now, start building the habit of being more intentional in those friendships. Be the one to initiate the hang outs. Be the one to ask a deep question when you hang out instead of just keeping things surface level.
Start to really think about which friends are going to be lifelong friends and invest heavily into those friendships.
If you are in your 30’s, what kind of systems and habits are you setting up now to make sure that you don’t get caught up in male loneliness. If the 30’s are typically where it happens, this is the time to start getting intentional about it before it’s too late.
One thing that often bothers me is the lack of initiation from guys. I will have a lot of guys talk to me about how they are feeling lonely or that their friends never reach out.
The first thing I ask them is “When was the last time you initiated a hang out or a serious conversation?”
If you aren’t being an initiator first, you can’t expect others to do the same. You must take responsibility for the health of your relationships.
I know that it can feel vulnerable initiating…there is a chance they will say no or nobody will respond. There’s a chance you try a few times and it doesn’t work. But if you don’t try, then it is for sure a no.
If you never reach out then you will never have the opportunity for them to say yes.
If friendships are truly important to you, you must be intentional about building them. You will have to put more work in as you get older than you did when you were younger.
And if you are in your 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, or older and you find yourself without many close friends at the moment, it is not too late. You can begin to be more intentional about it now.
Think through the close friends you used to have and just give them a call or a text to check in. Start to rekindle some of your lost relationships.
We were made for connection. We were designed to do life together. Usually, when you take initiative, people will be very receptive.
You just might have to do the work to get things started.
Lifelong friendships are not built by accident. You are going to have to be intentional.
So my challenge to you today is to call one friend that you would like to reconnect with or go deeper with. Give them a call today to just check in and see how their life is going. Be the one to initiate.
Do this every single day this week with your different friends. Make the call, ask them about their lives.
It can be as simple as sending a voice message just letting them know you are thinking of them and praying for them.
That’s my challenge to you today. Start to get more intentional about your relationships and put in some effort to make sure you are building relationships that will last a lifetime.
